Let There Be…A Few Words On The Beginning

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“In the beginning there was the word and the word was with God and God was the word.”
John 1:1 

In the beginning there was the word…but was it a good word enunciated with sparkling optimism or was it a bad word clammy with gloom and doom and reeking with the already rotting stink of resentment? That’s not a trivial question or parlor trick to be debated in snobby salons or argued with passion by philosophers and academics. No beginning is ever ambiguous, things start off either on the right foot or the wrong, and whichever provides that fateful first step dictates the direction the beginning will follow through to the end. So was the word a good one or a bad one? “Awesome!” sets the scene for a story far different than does “Shit!”

People prefer the concept of the beginning over that of the end, and it’s been that way since the dawn of civilization. “A whole new day,” “a fresh start” and “the best is yet to come” sound more pleasing than “the final curtain” or “the end of the line,” and as the credits roll at the conclusion of a long-awaited blockbuster movie, audience members watch anxiously for the hint of a preface for the sequel that’s certain to follow. With the exception of devising increasingly dreadful ways to deal out death, mankind’s most enduring fascination has always been with the beguiling, unfathomable beginning of it all. Thanks to brilliant scientists, astronomers, geologists and astrophysicists we now know all about the Big Bang, black holes, rocky orbs and giant balls of gas whirling through space, shifting continental masses and the 4.5 billion year age of this planet we call home, but before there were telescopes and satellites, intricate instruments and carefully controlled chemical reactions, complicated equations and manipulated neutrons and protons, people had to explain things in more simple, albeit colorful, terms, and so the ancient Creation myths were born during the confused days of antiquity. With little more than the ability to survey their immediate surroundings and peer heavenward, the great thinkers and crack-pots of the distant past had little choice but to explicate the natural order of the world in the most flamboyantly ridiculous of fashion with mighty deities clashing and battling and causing the mountains to rise up, the seas to fill and the stars to be flung glittering across the night sky. Thousands of years ago (even without the luxury of readily accessible scientific findings, National Geographic and the Discovery Channel) I never believed those tall tales, and when I looked at a mountain I saw nothing more than a natural formation of rock and stone, but most people back then embraced the popular stories with conviction until science and technology began to set the record straight. Downgraded, reclassified and relegated to ancient history text books, the various myths of Creation are all but forgotten…except for one.

“In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.”
Genesis 1:1

“Let there be this, let there be that…and that and that and that…” The Almighty sounded like he was doling out instructions to painters or landscapers not bringing forth the Universe. The Jews’ take on the weighty enterprise of Creation was by far the laziest and least imaginative of the lot. A flick of the wrist, a snap of the divine fingers and light and dark were instantly divided into two neat halves, earth and water formed a landscape then flora blossomed and bore fruit while fauna of all types engaged in behavior that shared little in common with the savage day-to-day grind of eat-or-be-eaten that drives nature in its true form. Back in the day, I was more highly visible than I am now, and my public presence was such that I provided the inspiration for a handful of archaic diabolical demons and malignant spirits. Some of the characterizations strayed a considerable distance from the source material while others cleaved closer, but all of my fictionalized forms were placed in appropriately flashy and exotic tableaux, so I was taken by surprise when I learned that the dour and self-obsessed Hebrews created a small but vital role based on me for their grim and oppressive Book of Genesis. There can be no denying that the serpent is the true star of the Old Testament’s Creation fantasy. Before the adroit snake made his cameo appearance, Adam and Eve capered naked in Eden and frolic and fucked with no shred of embarrassment…and no clue that Yahweh was just a dirty old man in the sky amusing himself by leering at their uninhibited cavorting. In the beginning there might have been the word, but afterward the serpent delivered a no-nonsense, much needed earful to Adam and Eve, and once they covered their money-makers with fig leaves and began to do the nasty in the discrete privacy of the bushes, God became very angry…as angry as you get when you come home after a tough day at work, log onto your favorite porn website and discover without warning that you’re suddenly being asked for a credit card number. The serpent flipped the switch and turned The Garden of Eden’s formerly free web-cam show into a pay-per-minute subscription service, and there’s been hell to pay ever since. All of the ancient musings on the world’s origin were silly, to be sure, but there was a primitive awareness in many of those tales of the need for cataclysmic events to shape the environment of existence and then populate it with an array of inhabitants, but that sense of majesty and wonderment is absent from Genesis. It’s simply a sordid, anxiety ridden psycho-sexual wallow in blame and guilt and shame that doesn’t appeal to man’s basic instinct for curiosity but rather to his basest instinct to head for the gutter. The Book of Genesis has proved to be as enduring as a persistent rash, and over the ages it has managed to dodge the bullet of reason countless times. To this day, even in a nation as advanced and sophisticated as the United States, people cling defiantly to the fable claiming it as fact. The scummy and seedy saga that kicks off the Old Testament isn’t so much an explanation of how the Universe came to be as it is a mirror held up to the sorry spectacle of human nature. That’s why so many people feel possessive of its value. It might not be history, but it is your story in many sad ways from the deceptions and betrayals to the revenge, retribution and bloodshed.

In the beginning there was the word, but creeping up behind that lexeme there is always the promise of another new dawn, and for that there is a calender. As a new year commences, everyone in the office orders a fresh desk calender, you buy a daily planner to keep in your bag and people hang wall calenders illustrated with images of cats, cars, cheesecake, beefcake, landscapes, rock stars or popular paintings. Clean, unsullied… months of pristine, blank white squares, a day by day promise of things to come, but immediately people scratch and scrawl all sorts of useless information that fills up as many empty days as possible with reminders of birthdays, vacation days, opening day, appointments, lunch dates and the anniversaries of milestones both happy and sad. I have no use for calenders. I was born in the summer and died in the spring, I don’t need to make a note of those events beneath the picture of a half-dressed fireman or a Thomas Kinkade painting, and I have enough presence of mind to remember that I’ve made plans to meet you without scribbling the details down with an exclamation point in a leather-bound datebook. People load up their calenders in a desperate attempt to crowd out life, to keep reality from making its own sloppy, indelible mark on those clean white boxes. Someone will die, someone will say, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” your transmission will fail and you can depend on an assortment of natural and unnatural disasters to bleed across the pages of your calender. The bullet-riddled days of Aurora, Newtown and Webster began the past year as impassive, inscrutable blank spaces waiting patiently to become dates of infamous note. Maybe that’s why Genesis continues to resonate. In the beginning people hope for the best, but after countless starts that led to a curdled finish they’ve come to expect the worst.

In the beginning there was the word, but when this whole mess comes to an end, someone will have the last laugh…and at the rate I’m going, it will probably be me. After careful consideration I’ve decided that I’ll keep things simple as the world takes its bow, and in those final lonely moments of extinction I’ll stare into the gathering void and say, “I told you so.”

Got a problem? Maybe I’ll help: Ask Alexios at caballoblue@yahoo.com

©2013 M. Smith

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Posted in advice, Current Events, gay, horror, Politics, relationships, religion, social issues, Uncategorized, Vampires | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Hiding From the Holidays

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Allow me to slip away, go underground, take a pass, head for the hills while you belly up to the trough of merriment and gorge yourself on good tidings. Don’t let me stand in the way of your office holiday lunches with the fatty prime rib and greasy fried chicken served family style, boozy bar parties that end with puddles of puke left on the sidewalk for Streets and Sanitation to clean up the next morning and family get-togethers where years of old resentments will bubble their sulphurous way to surface just like they did last year and the year before. I’ll be back January 2, rested, rejuvenated and ready to drag you kicking and screaming into the new year.

Got a problem? Maybe I’ll help: Ask Alexios at caballoblue@yahoo.com

©2012 M. Smith

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Posted in advice, Current Events, horror, Politics, relationships, religion, romance, social issues, Uncategorized, Vampires | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ask Alexios: In-Laws and Christmas and Cults, Oh My!

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Alexios,
Christmas is ruined. I don’t know what to do. Eric and I have been married for two and half years. I have only met my in-laws once when they came in for the wedding. I guess they’re very nice people. Every holiday starting when Eric and I were just dating they’ve sent me gifts. Every gift I have received has been some kind of Disney thing. For my wedding I was registered at Crate and Barrel and Macey’s but my in-laws gave me a set of Disney dishes, barware, table linens and a honeymoon trip to Disney World even though I wanted to go to Cancun. I chose really pretty silver gowns for my bridesmaids, and the shop I found them at said they could work with a store in the town where Eric’s family lives so his little nieces could get matching flower girl dresses. On the day of my wedding they showed up dressed like Flora, Fauna and Merryweather. My mother-in-law gave me a Snow White outfit to wear on my wedding night. She said Snow White was Eric’s favorite princess. I wore it only because Eric said it was really important to his mom, but I felt creepy about it. I have sold all of the Disney gifts I have gotten from them on Ebay or craigslist, but I never told my husband. Now he says I have to put out the Disney throw pillows, figurines, tapestries and table settings for when his family comes to visit us over Christmas. I don’t know what to do!
Denise

Denise,
I’m mystified by the piety people feel for the confused, indistinct practice of gift giving…a genuflection to greed, manufactured generosity and affection as insincere as a cappuccino maker purchased on sale at Target with an extra 20% off coupon. Rarely encumbered by the ordeal of gift-transaction myself, I have on those few unavoidable occasions politely yet firmly refused any present that didn’t meet my strict standards or personal tastes. Denise, your biggest mistake was opening that very first Disney gift with a “Thank you so much” that wasn’t immediately followed by, “but I’m not really interested in this sort of thing although I appreciate the gesture.” I understand such bluntness doesn’t come naturally or easily to most people, but nothing in life is easy, and the soul of anything natural is cold and unfeeling. Your only reward for being polite has been a Tinkerbell wind chime and a white porcelain Pluto, and on and on. The anticipation of opening gifts on Christmas morning or on your birthday carries the same smothering anxiety as a trip to the doctor. Unreasonable hope mixes queasily with the practical dread of reality. You know what’s waiting for you, but you desperately try to convince yourself otherwise. ‘Tis better to give than to receive…especially if you’re on the receiving end of cologne purchased at Walgreen’s, a Snuggy or a Lana Del Ray cd, and don’t tell me “it’s the thought that counts” when there can be nothing but the most wicked of intentions every time someone festively wraps up a pair of “comfortable fit” jeans and says, “Merry Christmas!” Gifts are weapons, bribes or ostentatious expressions of wealth and taste, but rarely are they generous, thoughtful or heartfelt displays, and there is no exchange that doesn’t suit some selfish purpose. All things considered, the three Wise Men of the Nativity legend should have carried sensible  offerings as they followed the star rather than to rub the noses of the unwashed and unfortunate in their gaudy, silk and brocade-swathed wealth. Fabulously expensive items like gold, frankincense and myrrh are hardly appropriate to bestow on the poverty stricken, and let’s be honest here, the down on their luck Holy Family living in a squalid manger probably returned the Magi’s expensive, prophetically significant but useless gifts the following day for more desirable bling like a huge surround sound plasma screen TV system, Calvin Klein leather jackets, a Nikon D90 Digital Camera and a bottle of Southern Comfort Fiery Pepper. Everyone’s got their hand out, but no one wants what you’re offering, and the last thing you want to do is to make anyone happy. It’s a vicious circle spinning ferociously in a shredded mess of foil paper and crushed bows. There’s an agenda behind even carelessly chosen gifts, and Denise, the Little Mermaid serving tray and Mickey and Minnie salt and pepper shakers are far more ominous than you realize. You have a problem, a very big problem, but it doesn’t involve selling an unwanted Cinderella table lamp on Ebay or ditching a set of Beauty and the Beast canisters on craigslist…you married into a cult.

Before man first put a scowling, disapproving human face on the murky concept of a creator, cults sprang up to worship everything from lightening to both greater and lesser animals, and as civilization advanced, cults have remained a popular form of dedication to various deities, demons, fabled heroic figures, professional athletes and celebrities. Republicans aren’t part and parcel of a political party, they’re members of a right wing cult. Jesus began his worldwide fame as cult figure…the James Dean of antiquity cut down tragically in the full-flower of his prime, a rebel with a cause. In practical terms, cults are fan clubs, and just as Clay Aiken’s obsessive, housebound female fans have split into warring factions, the belligerent followers of The Prophet Mohammed splintered into the Sunnis and the Shiites. Thousands of years before Caesar crossed the Rubicon when the gods and goddesses of Egypt enjoyed the devotion of a fervent faithful I began to feel a twinge of jealousy. If fictitious phantoms of people’s imagination and longing could inspire adoration from a clique of true believers then why couldn’t I, the real deal immortal? I headed east to the land of the Elamites which would centuries later rise up as the great Persian Empire where I thought the chances of establishing a cult to my own divinity was more promising. Before long whispers began to spread throughout the region that a dark and sinister presence had settled in, and soon my fan base began to form. Their meetings were clandestine affairs held during the darkest hours in shadowy places.  One night, cloaked in anonymity, I attended a midnight meeting of my own cult. I had expected a gathering of swarthy warriors with blazing eyes, chiseled physiques and a hunger for mayhem and revolution, but instead discovered a raggedy group of scrawny young men with bushy hair and bad skin who made generous use of the words “basically” and “random.” They argued amongst themselves freely hurling phrases like “You’re ignoring the established mythology…” Also present were a number of overweight women with my likeness embroidered on the fronts of their tunics. My cult was nothing more than an ancient Star Wars convention! Depressed, demoralized, humbled, I left behind those exotic lands, and soon the Cult of Alexios frayed and fractured as one group worshiped me in hideous form with a serpentine body, six spindly arms, bulging eyes and a stretched terrifying grin while the others bowed down before an idealized physical image of me represented by elegant sculptures and mosaics that bore a remarkable likeness to Justin Timberlake. I am by no means monstrous, but I am far less fetching than Mr. Timberlake, my appearance resides in the more mundane realm of the ordinary, but ordinary doesn’t ignite a burning belief, it doesn’t fan the flames of faith, so my followers created fantastic visions of me that were necessary to feed their most private needs. The Kardashians, Christ, Mickey Mouse and me…it doesn’t matter who becomes the object of fanatical adoration, reality is only the foundation for blessed illusion.

Denise, I can’t tell you why your husband’s family revolves around the gravitation pull of the Disney sun, I have no idea why Charles Manson believed The Beatles were speaking personally to him, but I can tell you that you’re being drawn into your in-laws’ universe, and the longer you stay the deeper you’ll be mired. One day you will see a photograph of your mother-in-law wearing the same Snow White costume you were given to wear on your wedding night, and you’ll understand why she is your husband’s favorite princess. Years from now do you really want to pass that well worn Snow White outfit down to your own son’s bride? Do you want to be consumed by your in-laws’ obsession? Eric is beyond redemption, beyond salvation, he was damaged a long time ago when he grew up in Sleeping Beauty’s Castle. Denise my advice to you is simple: run, escape, exit stage left, high-tail it out of there…leave before it’s too late. Don’t wait until the new year, or after things slow down at work, pack your bags now, and while Eric is amusing himself with pictures of technicolor princesses on his computer screen hit the damn road. You’ll be glad you did. Happy Holidays Denise.

Got a problem? Maybe I’ll help: Ask Alexios at caballoblue@yahoo.com

©2012 M. Smith

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Posted in advice, Current Events, horror, Movies, Politics, relationships, religion, romance, social issues, Uncategorized, Vampires | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ask Alexios: A Christmas Surprise

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Alexios,
I have been going out with Mora for 3 years. Things are going good and we get along and everything. We always go to Midnight Mass with her family on Christmas Eve then over to her Aunt June’s house afterwards with the relatives. This year right after Mass I’m planning to surprise her with an engagement ring. Mora picked out the ring and stone she wanted a couple of months ago, and I went back to the mall on my own to buy it later. Here’s the problem…last week I was at the gym and started talking to a girl who just joined. She’s seriously hot in all the right ways, and we have a great time talking. Last night she gave me her number and told me to call her, and I said I would. I really want to, but I feel guilty because I’ll be surprising Mora with an engagement ring on Christmas Eve. What should I do?
Joseph

Joseph,
Now is probably a good time to stop and ponder your famous namesake and the role he played in the fable that inspired the holiday causing you so much confusion and angst. Poor St. Joseph, the often overlooked, frequently forgotten member of the Holy Family is rather like the Rodney Dangerfield of the New Testament. Even Ringo got  more respect than the Blessed Step-Father, and the humiliation continues to this day as many people have now downgraded him to the modern equivalent of Christ’s “foster father.”  How long before he’s dismissed as merely a mentor? I guess St. Joseph can take a small measure of satisfaction whenever anxious home sellers hoping for some luck bury his miniaturized likeness in their backyards, and he’s still the patron saint of carpentry and home improvement projects, but everyone knows a popular open floor plan is the key to selling your house not a religious totem superstitiously planted upside down next to the patio, and when faced with the daunting task of hanging a light fixture or tiling a kitchen floor, do-it-yourselfers don’t pray, they seek council from the lazy college students who work part time at Home Depot or Lowe’s. St. Joseph’s enduring claim to fame is the chivalrous, unflappable commitment he extended to his teenaged fiancee after she confessed her one-night-stand with the Almighty. He didn’t hurl harsh epithets at his young bride-to-be, nor did he break clay pots and vessels in a humiliated, testosterone fueled rage, no, St. Joseph prayed for guidance…and ironically, he prayed to the same divine being who knocked up his girlfriend. Predictably then, St. Joseph pledged his undying commitment to Mary and her unborn child. Joseph, you too are struggling with commitment issues, and instead of praying to a heavenly mirage you wisely decided to “Ask Alexios.” A commitment was forged the moment you allowed Mora to drag you into Zales or Jared or Rogers and Hollands to choose a diamond and setting before you headed over to the mall’s multiplex to see The Amazing Spider Man. Commitment. “Commitment” is just a polished up, bedazzled version of “committed.” A prison sentence is a commitment, so is a mortgage. When you sign a non-compete contract with an employer you’ve fastened the ball and chain of commitment around your professional ankle. I’ve never heard anyone proclaim, “I’m in a committed relationship” with any joy…you commit yourself to a rehab facility not to happily ever after. A “prior commitment” stands between you and something you really would like to do, and Joseph, Mora can be classified as a prior commitment.

I’m a vampire not a soothsayer, but I can with great accuracy paint a portrait of what lies ahead for you once Mora slips that ring onto her wiggling, eager finger. After your betrothed and her Christmas surprise have successfully commandeered everyone’s attention at Aunt June’s house following the ponderous ordeal of Midnight Mass she will begin to fuss over the table settings, help the older women in the kitchen with the food and show a sudden burst of interest in the little nieces and nephews who she had heretofore treated with peevish contempt. Mora will instantly undergo a terrifying, matronly transformation from your girlfriend to your mother, and you will feel every ounce of your youthful vigor, your manly verve, drain away. The married uncles and male cousins will take their turns to congratulate you with uncomfortable smiles and handshakes that linger a moment too long as they wordlessly attempt to convey a warning through the slightest flex of their thumbs, but it will be too late for you to turn back from a very bleak future. A torturous, whiny, demanding tantrum-filled year of preparations for her special day will end when you watch Mora walk down the aisle stuffed into a strapless fluffy knock-off of the princess gown worn by an alcoholic young pop star in her highly publicized nuptials to a disinterested professional athlete. The first victim of your marriage will be your car. Mora will insist that you trade in your slick and racy ride for something sensible that she feels comfortable driving, although she’ll keep her own mint green Beetle with the Adele and Maroon 5 CDs in the glove compartment. She’ll choose what clothes you wear, tell you what to eat, decide which TV shows you’ll be allowed to enjoy and present you with a gaggle of surly, greedy offspring who will bleed you emotionally and financially dry. You won’t even have the final satisfaction of outliving Mora and enjoying a few peaceful years of blissful independence. With a troop of grandchildren who never spoke more than a few words to you surrounding your deathbed you’ll sputter to an end while a softly sobbing Mora is comforted and consoled as she laments over being left alone in her dotage. None of this ghastly foretelling can truly take you aback. No doubt, several of your friends have already disappeared from your life in a similarly horrifying scenario. Joseph, your plea for my council isn’t “Should I or shouldn’t I?” You’re asking me how to escape this spider’s web and drop into the arms of the butterfly at your gym so you can enjoy some down and dirty acrobatic sex with no strings attached and the battle cry of freedom bursting from your lungs.

People naturally assume that I’ve accomplished my feats of historic malfeasances through a variety of supernatural abilities, and while true that I always enter the game with a serious set of advantages, I must credit much of my success to the fact that I’m a good old-fashioned opportunist. No opportunity, whether epic in scope or petty by design, has ever been allowed to escape the grasp of my cold dead hands throughout the ages. Joseph, this festive season when Santa knows who’s been naughty or nice has presented you with a wonderful opportunity to be very, very naughty. Mora is expecting, indeed fully prepared, to be surprised with the ring she picked out and instructed you to buy when you present her with the tiny wrapped package in the freezing church parking lot after the recessional hymn has brought Midnight Mass to a close. I say give her a real surprise. Imagine the look on Mora’s face when she discovers a Jane Seymour Open Heart Pendant…the cheap one for $99 sprinkled with tiny diamond chips…laying in wait for her in the velvet box instead of an engagement ring and the promise of till death do us part. You won’t need to explain or even speak a single work, just allow the crushing weight of reality to settle over her. She’ll throw the cheap necklace at you and ride over the river and through the woods to Aunt June’s house with her older sister and brother-in-law and their three kids screeching and crying and calling you terrible names. Once at Aunt June’s I’m certain Mora will even tell everyone that you sometimes miss the toilet and pee on the floor, but that’s not important because you’ll receive the greatest gift of all…the keys to your own life. Keep in mind you will be forever branded as a villain. Even your closest friends will gasp behind your back, “Seriously dude, a Jane Seymour Open Heart Pendant…how fucked up is that?!” But do you really want to be a hero? Who’s the true star, Batman or the Joker, Bobby or J.R? Stop anyone on the street and say “Hadrian” then “Caligula”…you get my point. While Mora is holding tearful, hysterical court at Aunt June’s house you’ll be comfortably back home perusing your favorite porn websites and planning your first date with the lucky lady at the gym. This is your opportunity to be a villain, don’t pass it up Joseph. Join the club…we’ll be thrilled to have you.

Got a problem? Maybe I’ll help: Ask Alexios at caballoblue@yahoo.com

©2012 M. Smith

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Posted in advice, Current Events, horror, relationships, religion, romance, social issues, Television, Uncategorized, Vampires | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Coming Down A Chimney Near You: My Night As Santa

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Maureen began her retail career, younger and prettier, behind the Le Metier De Beaute counter at Neiman Marcus. She moved on several years later to sell pricey dresses in one of the designer boutiques at Saks Fifth Avenue before stepping down from the glitzy, rarefied world of the well-to-do to step up to a manager’s job at The Gap where she was charged with corralling a roster of lackadaisical junior sales associates. Older, jowlier, less inclined to smile helpfully, Maureen saw her years of  hard work finally pay off with a position as Director of Special Events at a large shopping mall anchored by Macy’s and Sears. “We don’t need anymore Santas, sorry, but we lined everyone up a few weeks ago,” she informed me curtly after I had inquired about the possibility of donning the red suit. “I don’t even know why I’m talking to you. I don’t hire the Santas…” she said all but ignoring me as she checked her emails. “Someone gave me your name…” I began to explain, but Maureen glanced away from her computer screen to grace me with one of the unfriendliest grins I had experienced in quite some time and said, “Well I guess I’ll just have to find out who gave you my name.” As she typed a reply to an irksome message The Queen Of The Mall’s Special Events fired off one final shot in my direction. “Anyway, we would never hire someone like you,” she said with a good measure of barbed satisfaction, “Too young, too skinny, and to be perfectly honest, you’ve got a mean look about you.” She stopped typing and addressed me personally, “Kids want Santa to look like…well…Santa, not Count Dracula. We don’t want to deliberately scare them, it’s bad enough to begin with.”  Maureen was beginning to cut a little too close to the bone for my comfort, but I remained seated calmly on the small chair upholstered in the type of striped fabric you only see in an office or nursing home setting. A knock on the door halted Maureen before she could tell me that I had eyes like the Devil, and in stepped a timid young woman with long straight overly processed hair that badly needed urgent treatment at one of those salons where the stylists are all young and handsome and wear tight black t-shirts. “What is it Heather?” Maureen snapped, and the young assistant winced slightly then stammered, “Ed just called in sick.” Maureen rolled her eyes and sighed, ”Then call Don, get him in here now, it’s already late…for Christ sakes do I have to tell you…” “He can’t, not tonight. I already called him,” Heather said inching slightly away, protecting herself from the older woman with the office door. Maureen grimaced then turned towards me and smirked, “OK, so do you want to be Santa for a night?”

The red suit was ludicrously padded with a pillow Heather had picked up at Kohl’s, and my snow white beard was pulled up high to mask as much of my mean-looking features as possible. Away from Maureen, Heather’s trembling, fawning demeanor had dissipated, and was abruptly replaced by her boss’ brand of abrasiveness. “That’s Pete and Rebecca,” Heather said introducing me to a pair of university drama students in green tights and gold metallic smocks, “They’ll be your elves for tonight.”  I nodded graciously to the bored-looking sprites. “Mostly they keep the line moving and help out if you get a crier,” Heather explained, “…and don’t spend a lot of time with each kid, but don’t make it look like you’re rushing them either…the parents get really pissed off about that…” I held a hand up to silence Heather and addressed the elves directly with my own set of basic instructions, “No one on my lap, no exceptions. I expect the children to stand respectfully at the foot of my throne while they petition me for whatever the hell it is that they want, and at the first sign of a temper tantrum or hysterical outburst you are to lead them immediately down the ramp and return them to their parents. If mom and dad want to somehow tranquilize their blessed little brat and take a place back at the end of the line to try again, well, they’re more than welcome.” Heather attempted to regain control, but I cautioned my elves to be mindful that some of the children might very well be infested with head lice, and we made our way off to the mall’s garish, glittering Winter Wonderland.

The first child tested and set in place Santa’s ground rules. The tiny boy shrieked and screamed as if he had been jabbed with a hot poker, and although my elf Pete was close to six feet tall and burly, it took all of his gym-built strength to subdue the kicking screeching little monster and drag him down the curved sparkling red ramp with the candy cane railings back to a pair of horrified parents. Silence settled over the yuletide scene for a moment as everyone from the elves and mothers and fathers to the children themselves digested the events that had just been served up cold. After I was certain that we had all come to a collective understanding of how to proceed in a manner that was dignified yet festive I beaconed to the next child. A girl who was no more than six years old shuffle-ball-changed her way up the ramp stopping before my throne to strike a rather unsettling pose with her hips cocked one way and her shoulders the other that made her look like a stunted Betty Grable. “I’m Ashley, I’m the best dancer in my class,” the little girl announced. “No one likes a show-off, Ashley,” I said then asked, “…and what makes you think that you’re the best dancer in your class?” “My mommy says so,” Ashley proudly informed me, “Mommy says I’m better than Kristin even if she gets the best solos.” “Of Course your mommy would say that,” I told Ashley, “She has psychological problems.” “What does that mean?” Ashley asked sounding more curious than concerned. “It means she’s a very bitter, unhappy woman who pushes you to take your dance classes even when you really want to stay home and watch The Voice on tv,” I said. Ashley’s tiny face appeared to suddenly age. “Don’t worry,” I said attempting to reassure the girl, “someday the doctor will give mommy a prescription and it will quiet her down…make her different, better than she is now…” “I still want to be the best dancer!” Ashley cut me off almost defensively. “But Kristin is the best dancer,” I said, and the little girl reacted with a trembling lip and watery eyes. “Maybe…if you pushed Kristin down the stairs like that bitch did in Showgirls then you would be the best dancer!” I said trying to cheer the tot up. “That would be bad,” Ashley murmured in a way that made me think she was fishing for encouragement. “Bad if you got caught,” I whispered, “If you were very smart about it no one would ever blame you…and that would be good.” Ashley eyed me with an oddly mature expression then nodded her head and joined the elf waiting to lead her away. I was about to give the signal for the next child to approach when I heard a loud crash followed by a gasp that rose up from the crowd. My elf Rebecca was falling backward down the ramp windmilling her arms wildly like Martin Balsam did in Psycho when he tumbled down the stairs in Norman Bates’ house of horrors. Ashley began wailing, “Mommy, mommy I didn’t do it! It was an accident, it was an accident!”

“I’m Sean,” the little boy told me. “Sean? What a pretty name…that’s a girl’s name,” I said by way of a greeting. “No it’s not!” “Yes it is.” “Is not!” “Is too,” we volleyed back and forth until I told him, “There’s an actress named Sean Young. She’s crazy and her career fizzled. That’s probably why you never heard of her.” Once again in charge, I asked, “So what would you like for Christmas, Sean?” “A bike and a GI Joe, one of the big ones,” the boy said. “How about a bike and a GI Joe Rapid Strike Commando?” I offered, but Sean shook his head quickly back and forth and said, “I want a Navy Special Ops.” “So do I, Sean,” I confided, “But sometimes we have to settle for what’s available. If we were to get everything we wanted then nothing would be special.” Ben was a dull listless child with a paunchy face and a vacant look in his eyes who asked me to leave an archery set for him under the Christmas tree. “An archery set?!” I exclaimed with phoney enthusiasm, “Why would you want that?” “So I can shoot birds and squirrels,” the boy told me in a flat, lifeless voice. “Have you ever asked your parents to get you an archery set?” I inquired, but the boy’s face suddenly brightened as he said, “Oh no! They’re getting me a puppy!” I slipped my hand into the pocket of my red Santa jacket for the small note pad I carry with me to jot down insightful observations that spontaneously occur to me without deliberation or warning. Seven thousand years of roaming this old world has made me a pretty astute judge of character, and besides, I’ve watched Criminal Minds enough times that I can now spot a nascent serial killer with ease. I carefully composed my worries, jotted them down, pressed the folded slip of paper into Pete’s hand and discretely sent him off to deliver the troubling news to Ben’s parents. The couple read the note together, each neatly printed word that starkly spelled out the unspeakable suspicions they could never allow to break free from their most private  tortured thoughts to become a fully-formed concern. They looked up at me, looked at each other then down at their blank-eyed boy. The husband put an arm around his wife’s shoulder, and even from my lofty vantage point perched high above Winter Wonderland I could see that they were worn down by a terrible weight no parent should ever bear. The sad little family turned and walked slowly away disappearing into the sea of shoppers with their gaily colored bags.

One by one they came, skipping, running, gamboling full of wonder and innocence up the glittery red ramp, and one by one they would leave a little older a little wiser a little slower with shoulders slightly stooped and furrowed little brows back to a world that suddenly seemed far less merry. “Do you love me Santa?” Gretchen asked holding her arms outstretched wide in a gesture of all encompassing affection. “No” was my simple, stripped to the basics answer. “My mommy and daddy love me,” Gretchen said optimistically maintaining her extended reach. “You’re confusing love with obligation,” I said, “Mommy and daddy give you nice things and treat you like a princess because they want to impress the neighbors and your mother’s sisters who are always looking for something to criticize.” “But I love you!” Gretchen bleated with a hint of desperation in her squeaky, tinny voice, her pint-sized hands clenching into fists. “You only love me because you want Barbie shit and a Loopdedoo,” I said leaning in closer to the girl, “Do you love that smelly old man with the white beard sleeping next to the dumpster in the alley?” Gretchen dropped her hands to her sides and whispered with a hint of entitled anger, “I’ve been good, all year I’ve been good…” I lounged back on my throne and crossed my legs, “Yeah, and so has that disfigured little boy on the bus signs who lives in one of those hot, dirty, horrible countries where people starve and die from drinking filthy water.” Gretchen pouted. “What do you think he wants for Christmas, toys? Bullshit!” I said, “He wants a new goddamn face. He wants the flies to stop hovering around him, to stop biting his lips…and what do you think he’ll get? Nothing! That’s what he’ll get.” Gretchen backed away from my throne. “That’s life kid,” I said, “The disappointment and heartbreak and horror like a cloud of flies that torment you constantly, that’s it, and all you can do is run as fast as those little legs will carry you to Christmas then Disney World then your birthday party, to one thing after another…to anything that can allow you to pretend the world is nice and pretty…and good.” The little girl stood frozen in place.  Pete looked up from checking grindr messages on his iphone and said, “Holy fuck!” I sent the wobbly child away with a cheerful, “Merry Christmas!” then rose and left the stunned crowd with a hearty, “…and to all a good night!”

Got a problem? Maybe I’ll help: Ask Alexios at caballoblue@yahoo.com

©2012 M. Smith

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Posted in Current Events, gay, horror, relationships, social issues, Television, Uncategorized, Vampires | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A Cold November Night, 1963

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America grieved. All of its quarreling factions, its patch-work of regions united from the coast on one ocean to the coast on another. The entire nation fused together, became one in its pain and mourned its loss. I looked down at the stack of papers on the damp sidewalk, picked one up and paid the attendant at the news stand. “Hard to believe, isn’t it?” the man asked taking the coins from my outstretched hand. “Certainly is,” I answered back as I walked away  and watched the sad-eyed people moving past me hushed and quiet through the cold November night. A bus pulled up to the curb, shuddered to a stop, and the doors opened with a creaking squeal. I stepped on, found myself a seat next to a window and unfolded the newspaper. Assassination. The word hung in the buzzing sickly glow of the florescent lights that cast a dull gray haze on my fellow passengers, and that word seemed to follow close behind everyone walking down the street. It crept up beside people waiting for a green light that would allow them to make their way safely from corner to corner, and it kept pace with the cars that seemed to move in slow motion. The assassination had shocked the nation, shocked the world and had taken me  completely by surprise. I had been busy in the years since my masterpiece ended with Soviet trucks rumbling through the ruins of Berlin and the Emperor Hirohito’s surrender crackling over the radio. I’d been occupied prodding the paranoia and stoking the fears of an anxious and unsettled world until the Cold War had covered everything like a suffocating ice age, but the shots that rang out on that Friday morning in Dallas, the shots that reverberated around the world, caught me off guard. The photograph on the front page of my newspaper, stark crisp black and white, looked artfully artificial. Jack Ruby with his dark suit and gun was like something from a gangster movie, Detective Jim Leavalle stepping back in stunned amazement, and Lee Harvey Oswald captured in the moment when history claimed him, it all appeared posed, staged, oddly theatrical, but it was real. I opened the paper and inside was a grainy picture of the President and his wife in the open-top car, the morning sun shining on their smiling faces just minutes before the end. A rare troubling sense of unease filled me. I’ve always worked on an epic scale, my schemes and projects were of a huge proportion too big for individuals, too big for faces. An instigator turned observer once the wheels were set in motion with no need or desire to stain my own hands with the dirt and grit of upheaval and unrest, I only considered the majestic terrible concepts, the shifting lines on the map, the rise and fall not the burning streets, bloody battlefields and riots. Only the faces of those who were useful like grand chess pieces to move around history’s checkered board mattered to me…never the multitude of others like disposable pawns. I never paused to considered the terror and panic on all of the faces as the mighty Troy finally crumbled, I never stood in the sweaty, reeking Parisian mob and watched as someone was led frightened and confused to the guillotine to die for somebody’s cause, maybe the nation’s…maybe no one’s. The freezing and filthy men crawling through the muddy trenches of Verdun and the Somme were just colorless, grimy shapes playing out their assigned roles not sons and brothers and fathers. All of them over the ages were only tiny specs in a painting intricately rendered in pointillism. Perhaps if I had ever stopped to consider the mosaic of faces the bright flashes over Hiroshima and Nagasaki would not have seemed so brilliant. I looked at the President and his wife smiling in the Dallas morning sun then closed the paper and pushed the troubled, disquieted feeling deep into a corner of my neatly ordered and organized compartmentalized mind where it would lie safely removed from my thoughts, but not forgotten, along with the memories of a morning sun shining on my own smiling face a very, very long time ago.

The traffic slowly moved past the bus, and my face, a ghostly reflection on the window, floated over the grim dark evening. The bus wheezed, lurched slightly and stopped. A handful of silent, sullen people boarded. “Excuse me, is this seat taken?” I turned and saw a woman standing in the aisle. She was middle-aged, neatly dressed in blandly styled clothes, and she possessed the type of pleasantness that rendered her instantly forgettable. “No,” I said, “Please sit down.” “Thank you,” she said flatly then loosened her scarf, tugged at her coat and shifted in the seat until she had found a comfortable position. I sat still, not breathing, then drew in a breath. I can tell much about a person by their scent, and the woman smelled of sweet dusting powder, probably a gift for Mother’s Day or perhaps her birthday purchased by her husband at a modest department store like Sears not one of the pricier places like Saks. It wasn’t what she had really wanted, but she was grateful for the expression of affection, and she felt a pang of guilt whenever she thought of nicer, more pleasing choices her husband could have wrapped up and hidden away until surprising her on that special day, so every morning she dusted herself lightly with the powder. She had stopped on her way home to pick up a few things for dinner and jostled a brown paper shopping bag on her lap. A small bunch of colorful flowers poked out of the bag. “I thought they might cheer things up a little,” the woman said. She looked at the newspaper in my lap, “Like a bad dream, a nightmare, I can’t believe it’s really happening,”  she said sadly. I nodded. “My husband says it was Castro or the mob, but I don’t think so,” the woman said shaking her head, “…because he was Catholic, that’s what I think.” I smoothed the paper with my pale hand and turned to the woman, “One man’s finger on a trigger, that’s all it was.” “But…I mean…” the woman turned in her seat towards me, “that makes it sound so simple. There must be more to it than just…him,” she pointed contemptuously to the picture of Oswald doubled over in mortal pain. “Sometimes things really are just simple,” I smiled, “Most people can’t comprehend simple…people can understand simple-minded all too well, but true simplicity, the purity of it, is hard for many to absorb and process.” I folded my paper and said, “People like to ornament everything with convoluted meaning and hidden motives…to avoid coming face-to-face with the truth, I suppose. It’s easier to lose yourself in the complicated than it is to acknowledge the frightening face of simple primitive reality.” The woman studied my sharp inscrutable features for a moment then sighed, “You might be right.”

“I remember during the war….you’re far too young to remember it like I do,” the woman said to the ancient vampire sharing her seat on the bus, “I thought the world was ending. My parents kept telling me to be strong, be strong and we’d survive it. We survived even though my brother never came back,” she said with a smile that quickly faded, “…but everything changed. Things are probably better in many ways now….but the world just seems meaner, colder.” She lifted her shopping bag slightly and set it back down on her lap, “…and now this, things won’t be the same after this.” “The world doesn’t stand still,” I laughed, “ It constantly shifts and changes and reinvents itself….otherwise, well everything would just stop.” “But does it always have to be so hard?” the woman asked wearily. My genuine expression of astonishment was apparent, I’ve never been able to understand why people can’t see things, to view the world with the same unforgiving crystal clarity that I do. “Yes! It’s always hard. It’s never easy. Oh, people like to cling to their fantasies about…well…look at those flowers,” I said pointing to the small bouquet in the brown paper bag. “You probably think flowers are beautiful and delicate, but in fact they grow by sinking their roots in soil, and what is that but a pile of rotting dead matter?” The woman looked down at her flowers as I continued, “…and people see a bud open and think that it’s a gentle, fragile, lovely act, but it’s really quite savage. That bud,” I said pointing to the flowers again, “tears itself apart. It rips itself open and stretches itself in a ghastly, horrific way until it turns itself completely inside out…but all people see is a pretty blossom.” The woman looked at me, speechless. “The whole world is like that,” I said, “A civilization must crack and splinter and fall to pieces before another can emerge and rise up higher…rise up and bloom on the ruins of what came before, sinking its roots in the death of dreams and the decay of spent lives.” I looked at the woman and frowned slightly, “Do you see what I mean?” I unfolded my newspaper again, “Yes, things will be different after this, that’s the way the world works. From destruction comes creation.” The woman stared out of the bus window at the dark night passing by, “I wish it didn’t have to be that way.” “A wish is just the empty shell of hope,” I said. The bus came to a stop. “Oh!” The woman suddenly said, “Oh! My stop!” She stood up quickly, “It was nice to meet you,” she said as she turned and hurried towards the door. I noticed the woman’s small bunch of flowers lying on the empty seat next to me. “Excuse me,” I called out to her, “You dropped your flowers.” She turned and smiled as she stepped out of the door, “You can keep them. Maybe they’ll cheer things up a little.”

Got a problem? Maybe I’ll help: Ask Alexios at caballoblue@yahoo.com

©2012 M. Smith

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Posted in Current Events, horror, Politics, religion, social issues, Uncategorized, Vampires | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ask Alexios. Thanksgiving: A Family Affair

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Alexios,
I live in Atlanta and my family lives on the West Coast. Every year I visit the folks for the holiday. The day after Thanksgiving my family all likes to go Christmas shopping, but my brother Danny and I don’t, so we always spend the day mountain biking. I think this year’s trip might be a big problem for me. I have a profile on one of the on-line sites where guys hook up with other dudes, and last week I checked out some profiles in my family’s area just in case I get horny when I’m visiting for Thanksgiving. I responded to a profile that had some seriously hot pictures and he responded back and thought my pics were hot too. We exchanged a number of messages over a couple of days, and we seem to be very compatible, so we decided to meet up when I’m in town over the Thanksgiving weekend. It was all good until we unlocked our hidden face pictures for each other. It’s my brother Danny! We both relocked our pics right away and didn’t leave any more messages.  I’m completely shocked. I had no idea. My brother just married his girlfriend last summer, and of course she’ll be there on Thanksgiving, too. I don’t talk to my brother often but we’ll swap a “hey what’s up?” e-mail a few times a month, no big deal. Should I just pretend nothing happened when I’m there, or should I say something to my brother? This is seriously messed up, man.
Derek

Derek,
Thank you for taking the courtesy of including the links to both yours and Danny’s profiles in your e-mail to me. I was unable to see the locked photos that contained the images of your faces, but the artistic representations of your undraped swimsuit areas and torsos have given me a better understanding of the situation, and those alluring images have raised some questions in my mind. Readers seem to be using the Ask Alexios feature of this blog not only to seek advice but often as a confessional in whose darkness absolution is granted with no requirement for penance. People want me to bless them with defiled holy water and then send them off to sin once again clear of conscience. Derek, I’ve met many, many people over the course of my seven thousand years, and the vast majority of them have drifted through my life like the momentary dim flash of a firefly, but everything, everyone, is captured and filed away in my memory, nothing is ever lost. Sometimes I will pass a person on the street and their likeness to a casual acquaintance made and ended several millennia in my past will stir a recollection of that long disregarded encounter, or a face on TV or in a magazine advertisement will ignite a vivid memory of a person who impressed me with nothing more than a clever remark uttered centuries ago. Even a hint of the familiar sparks recognition. As his main profile picture your brother Danny chose a photograph of himself in what looks to be the classic Michelangelo’s David pose creatively cropped above the chin and below the knee. The tilt of Danny’s head exposes a good deal of the lower portion of his face, more than enough I would guess for you to recognize your own brother. You posted a photograph of your upper body reflected in a streaky bathroom mirror that presents in detail a tattoo on your biceps. I find it hard to believe that Danny hasn’t become accustomed to your ink thanks to those annual mountain bike excursions. Derek, you and your brother strapped on skates and glided out onto the thinnest of ice. You leaned in closer and closer to the fire until everything went up in flames. The forbidden exudes intoxicating fumes and you breathed them in like they were swirling in a bong. I can’t crawl into your head and stroll around overturning rocks to see what squirming, slimy little things are hiding there, but I can quite confidently say that you knew or suspected or hoped that you were trading racy messages with your brother.  The carefully cropped naked pictures created a false sense of anonymity, real life kept conveniently in check, but you weren’t satisfied, so you tempted fate and got caught by the cold, unforgiving grasp of reality’s fingers wrapped around your throat. There’s no turning back now, you can’t pretend it didn’t happen and seal the naked genie back in his bottle.

Last week General David Petraeus stepped down as the Director of the CIA, and immediately right-wing hysterics tried to tie his sudden resignation to the September 11 events in Benghazi, but it was an extra-marital affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell, that caused the abrupt departure. I’m not certain why the nation reacted with shock, after all, military men have a reputation about as chaste as that of major league baseball players. A possible security breech and hints of weird behavior associated with the General’s dalliance caused his downfall, and murky details about threatening messages sent from Petraeus’ paramour to Jill Kelley, a State Department military liaison, have begun to emerge. The retired four star general banged a crazy chick and paid a very high price. Let’s be honest, a man of David Petraeus’ rank and power could have had his choice of women. He probably could have had all three Kardashian sisters as a package deal, but he chose a woman with a whiff of boiled rabbits and Play Misty For Me as his partner in hanky-panky. It was the danger, the chance for chance’s sake that enticed him. He wasn’t just cheating on his wife, he rolled the dice. These modern times haven’t suddenly grown wicked as FOX News and the Focus On The Family crowd would love for you to believe. From the dawn of civilization to right here/right now man has always coveted orgies and raucous festivals over harvesting the crops and business meetings. If given the choice between taking the right path or the wrong…the straight and narrow always looks boring. No one wants to be good when there is a bad alternative, and the only thing that has kept people’s natural impulses in line throughout history has been an intricate web of stodgy laws, restrictions, international treaties, lethal injection and your parents’ withering disapproval. Guilt sends you to church, pleasure draws you to nightclubs. Would you rather spend an eternity in heaven with Billy Graham and your grandmother or in hell with Oscar Wilde and Mick Jagger? It’s human nature to howl at the moon not bow your head in prayer.

Derek, I highly doubt that you and Danny have been harboring an insidious lust for each other, but when presented with the forbidden you snatched the apple away from the snake and took a big bite. Now you want me to be shocked, to fall to my feinting couch, and after I recover, to steady myself and marvel at your bad boy behavior with sneering admiration. There was a very easy fix to this predicament. You simply could have sent Danny a quick message, “Dude, this is some fucked up shit! LOL! See you next week bro.” Over…done with…quickly and efficiently dismissed as a joke, but instead you both fell silent and have allowed the situation to percolate and simmer until it boils over on Black Friday. Rest assured Derek, as you’re navigating those mountain trails you’ll the choose the twisted, turning, joyfully jumbled wrong turn, and while the rest of the family is wandering like zombies around JC Penny’s and Target buying useless gadgets that no one wants and ugly clothes no one will wear, you and Danny will be rolling through the underbrush in a sweaty, grunting celebration of bad’s victory over good. Maybe you’ll be starting a new Thanksgiving tradition. Enjoy the holiday!

***

Alexios,
I feel guilty because it’s Thanksgiving and I don’t feel very thankful.
CK

CK,
Justin Bieber has a lot to be thankful for, so does Barack Obama. Even someone privileged who happened to have had a bad year like Mitt Romney has plenty to be thankful for.  He watched his presidential hopes evaporate as state after state lit up blue on election night until he was left like the sad clown sweeping up the spotlight at the end of the circus, but he has his car elevator, magnificent ocean view, Olympic dressage horse and hundreds of millions of dollars to be thankful for. What do you really have to be thankful for? Average people are more relieved than thankful over tragedies and catastrophes that didn’t happen. You’re grateful that you survived another year without being diagnosed with ALS or a brain tumor. You’re grateful that the onset of Alzheimer’s hasn’t set in or that your test results came back negative not positive. Thankful? Sure, thankful that you weren’t asked to clear out your desk and then sent out into a world still painfully bereft of jobs. Go ahead, give thanks that your husband didn’t moan out another woman’s name as he performed his marital duties, or that you didn’t spend a long lonely night wondering who your partner was with. I guess you can feel a measure of appreciation for having a day off of work that you can spend deep-frying a turkey in the backyard while relatives you’ve never liked are stuffing themselves with your liquor and Chex Party Mix or that your flight home for the holidays wasn’t cancelled leaving you stranded at the airport, but that’s not much is it? CK, don’t ever feel guilty because you don’t feel thankful…you don’t have anything to be thankful for. Have a great holiday!

Got a problem? Maybe I’ll help: Ask Alexios at caballoblue@yahoo.com

©2012 M. Smith

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Posted in advice, Current Events, gay, horror, Politics, relationships, religion, romance, social issues, Uncategorized, Vampires | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Election and Man-eating Dogs

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African painted dogs aren’t much to look at. Neither imposingly large nor possessing an impressive bearing, the wild dogs resemble stringy, mangy mutts that have worked their way through the shelter system more than once. They are, however, nasty little beasts, and packs of them have been known to take down full-grown lions. The other day a woman visiting the Philadelphia Zoo along with relatives  lifted her 2 year old son and stood him on a wooden railing to allow him a better look into the African painted dog exhibit. Toddlers as a rule don’t demonstrate the agility of gymnasts on the balance beam, so it should have surprised no one when the boy immediately teetered then toppled into the animals’ enclosure. Moments later the circle of life was completed to the screams of on-lookers. It’s not just a dog-eat-dog world, it’s a dog-eat-any-fucking-thing-you-can-sink-your-teeth-in world.

Laelius came from a well-respected old Roman family who had followed Constantine east and set up shop in Constantinople. The family’s fortunes rose in Byzantium as the Western Empire crumbled and fell, but after backing a string of failed Eastern Emperors over the coarse of a few ill-fated generations they were left still monied but watching the ongoing political circus powerless from the sidelines. I met Laelius, several centuries after his family’s disgrace, during the waning days of the Byzantine Empire when the last remnants of Rome’s glory was in it’s final death throes. Laelius was a socialite, wastrel and asshole who drifted through the shabby, decayed capital worming his way into everyone’s business, telling secrets behind any carelessly turned back, and burnishing a poisonous reputation as the Renaissance Matt Drudge. Much of the salacious gossip Laelius spouted was more mean-spirited that true, but on rare occasions his stories proved useful. I arrived in the city several months before it’s fateful fall into the hands of the unstoppable Turks, and I was taken aback by the decline that had spread like a malignancy since my last visit.  There was no sheen left, the magnificence had faded away, and the legendary packs of feral dogs that haunted the city’s midnight streets had grown more vicious and deadly as if they smelled death in the air. “The dogs,” a Persian pimp named Nasim I was acquainted with told me when I asked for the where-a-bouts of Laelius. I liked Nasim, but not because he was pleasant. The Persian sold opium to lesser members of the Royal Family, and so his information was generally much more reliable and damaging than the Roman’s gossipy tidbits had been. “The dogs got to him,” he repeated and shook his head, “There wasn’t much left beside a few bones and blood.” Poor Laelius was identified by nothing more than scraps of ripped clothing and a few personal effects scattered among the pieces of skin and gristle. Passed out in a drunken stupor on a dark street corner, he had been devoured by the dogs much as he had devoured the trust of anyone who made the mistake of befriending him. He died the way he had lived. Dog eat dog.

The Turks cleaned the city up, repaired and revitalized it, restored its legendary luster and returned it to its place as a sparkling gem in an otherwise dull dirty world. Constantinople was reborn as the glittering new capital of the Ottoman Empire, but the ghosts of Byzantium haunted the Sultans who would rule it for centuries. Intrigue was a plague, plots and coups were like chronic, wasting diseases. Late one night I sat in the private chambers of a new Sultan as he unburdened his troubled mind, “I can’t trust any of them, my brothers least of all. Dogs! That’s what they are, filthy dogs working their deals, scheming, constantly trying to figure some way to tear me to pieces…to take what’s rightfully mine.” He glanced at me hoping for some reassuring council or advice. “I’m not a collector, I don’t save things. You’re owned by everything you save, imprisoned by everything you’ve collected,” I said, and the young man, his  face darkened with confusion and dismay, wondered why I had so abruptly changed the subject. “There’s no point in dragging around useless…things, and let’s be honest here, even people are nothing more than things, so I only keep what’s necessary, I only keep who’s necessary. My judgement isn’t clouded by sickly sweet sentiment or burdensome emotional ties. Clean, uncluttered, efficient, that’s how I like it,” I explained. The Sultan began to speak, but I asked, “Your brothers, are they necessary, do you need them?” He narrowed his eyes and said, “No.” I smiled, rose and patted the him lightly on his shoulder, then before melting away into the darkness I said, “Keep only what’s necessary. Get rid of the rest.” The next day the Sultan ordered the execution of his brothers, and a terrifying tradition of succession to the Ottoman throne was born with each new ruler putting his brothers to the sword upon his ascension.

Sarah Palin was lucky following her disgraceful performance as the Republican’s losing vice presidential nominee in 2008. In a less forgiving time and in a more non-nonsense kind of era her head would have been stuck on the end of a pike, sent off to Alaska and displayed before the state capital building until the weather and crows reduced it to a meaningless, bony, grinning tourist attraction, and the moment this current election ended with a big check mark lighting up beside Barack Obama’s image on TV screens across the world Mitt Romney’s sons would have been rounded up and dispatched quickly and quietly by Secret Service. Mitt and Anne, thrown into chains and left to rot away in a filthy cell, would have been trotted out and executed as a splashy, crowd-pleasing warm up act at the inauguration. How times have changed. Politics has a blood soaked history as a winner-takes-all game, the transfer of power played out with only one man left standing. Murder was in the arsenal of every politician from chiefs and kings and emperors to noblemen and Popes and duplicitous queens. Death was to be expected by the losers who hoped that life might shine one last rare ray of kindness bringing them a swift and relatively painless end, or that they might steal fate and live out their days exiled in some shit hole far, far removed from any place that mattered, but all of that has been left behind as this is a more genteel age where no one dies after the last precinct has been counted. Despite multi-million dollar smear campaigns and astonishingly dishonest twenty four hour a day coverage on-line and on cable news shows, the vanquished now simply walks away, resentful and embarrassed but ready to cash in as a highly paid public speaker, generic elder statesman or reality TV personality. The public still has a blood-lust, but the gore and guts are reserved for grisly news stories about children eaten by African painted dogs, slasher films, TV shows like American Horror Story and UFC pay-per-view events. These days losing candidates might not be run through with a lance, beheaded or burned alive, but they are subjected to a humiliation nearly as insidious: the congratulatory phone call to the victor followed by the public spectacle of the concession speech.

Napoleon watched Waterloo unfold from a perch high atop a hill overlooking the battle field. Mitt Romney watched his own Waterloo unfold state by state on CNN, MSNBC and FOX News. I don’t watch election night coverage to see stirring victory speeches, I watch to see the losers. Tired, bitter, barely able to contain their seething anger they face a disappointed hotel ballroom filled with shell-shocked supporters and unforgiving TV cameras to announce their failure. “Where were the losers?” I asked myself as I watched the 2012 election returns. Where was Joe Walsh, Todd Akin, Allen West, Linda McMahon  and Scott Brown? But more importantly, where were the true losers: the Koch Bros. and Sheldon Adelson, the billionaires who fueled the campaigns of Mitt Romney and so many Republicans? Why were they spared the humiliation of admitting defeat before a national audience? The only loser on display was the Presidential candidate himself. After calling the victorious Barack Obama, Mitt Romney took the stage in Boston alone looking creaky and old with his stooped gait and Just For Men darkened hair, a touch of Bride of Frankenstein silver left tastefully at his temples. His words were surprisingly gracious, but his face told a different story…the spoiled rich kid who had suddenly been told “no.” After his short speech Romney was joined on stage by his family, and running mate Paul Ryan sauntered out with his “Yeah I’ve got a big dick” swagger looking confident and ramrod straight as he gave the loser a hearty handshake and waved to the crowd. I half expected Ryan to deliver a stirring victory speech to announce his own re-election to Congress. Without saying a word, the ambitious Wisconsin Congressman gently set Mitt Romney up on the wooden railing and pushed him to the snarling African painted dogs. He’ll walk away from the sounds of ripping and tearing and screaming and wash his hands of the disastrous campaign he played a part in. He’s a cold, soulless opportunist, and he has ambition far beyond this fiasco. My vampire crush on the swarthy Congressman had cooled considerably in recent months, but when I saw him take the stage in Boston and by sheer force of will present himself as a winner standing next to a loser I felt my pale white cheeks flush. Paul Ryan is a snake, he silently worked that stage in Boston like a serpent slithering effortlessly up a tree trunk, but most of all he’s a dog…and this is a dog eat dog world.

Got a problem? Maybe I’ll help: Ask Alexios at caballoblue@yahoo.com

©2012 M. Smith

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Posted in advice, Current Events, horror, Politics, social issues, Television, Uncategorized, Vampires | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Candy From Strangers

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People haven’t changed much over the thousands of years that I’ve been wandering this nasty world. The modern sciences of nutrition and medicine have produced specimens that are bigger and taller and longer-lived, although the basics, the foundational elements of the human form, have remained unchanged. No useful extra digits have begun to sprout, no unneeded ones have atrophied and disappeared. A convenient third eye on the back of the head hasn’t debuted like a new gadget on the latest Mercedes. Although I’m seven thousand years old I still look like this year’s model. In the past, ethnic groups remained largely separate tribes or entities whereas now the races blend freely and produce a more homogenized looking population, but those changes are largely cosmetic. Evolution, in a physical sense, moves with glacial slowness, while culturally, Darwin’s theory surges ahead at lightening speed. From my peculiar vantage point I sometimes feel as if I’m watching nighttime traffic race by on a highway in a blur of white and red streaks of light. Ancient beliefs and mores blend and melt into new theologies and customs that bear little resemblance to their quickly forgotten origins. Demons and deities evolved into a one true god with his soap-opera entourage of angels and saints that eventually became diluted and polluted by politics and new age convenience. The iron fist of royalty was replaced by revolution and the popular vote which in turn fell victim to the tyranny of Wall Street’s bottom line. Religious doctrine, governmental theory and culture are as capricious as hemlines, so it should come as no surprise that I have little respect for institution. Most people think of “trick or treat” as a beloved Halloween tradition, but its earliest Medieval form was a somber, unhappy event called Souling. The wretched, filthy poor would wander from door to door on All Souls’ Day singing prayers and lamentations for the dead in hopes of receiving small tokens of food from neighbors anxious to send the smelly stumblebums away or too timid to simply shut their doors in the destitutes’ grimy faces, but by the mid nineteenth century the sad spectacle of “go-a-souling” had become a much more lighthearted and cheerful festival with costumed children asking for cakes or in some places small gifts of cash. Souling became “beggar-chic.” With absolute honesty and a certain measure of pride I can tell you  that I’ve managed to ignore trick-or-treat and all of its older incarnations over the ages with the exception of one recent year when I decided to show some rare generosity and participate. I vastly underestimated the army of children, and very soon ran out of miniature shot-sized bottles of liquor and packs of cigarettes to drop in the plastic pumpkins and paper Halloween bags held up by the insolent, greedy little brats who knocked on my door.

I wonder how many people poison their own kids on Halloween?

Razor blades in fruit, straight pins and sewing needles hidden in Snickers and Milky Way candy bars…it’s easy to blame the crazy lady in the unkept bungalow down the block or the creepy old man around the corner, but monsters aren’t always quite so obvious. The crazy lady down the block is too busy with her eighty-seven cats to find the time to tamper with a bag of Reese’s Pieces, and the mean old man is studiously engaged in mulching his perennials not tainting Jujubes. Before becoming a famous fairy tale and classic Disney animated film, Snow White was a far darker story. The poisoned apple did not come courtesy an evil step-mother or wicked queen, Snow White’s own biological mommie dearest was the diabolical culprit in the original iteration of the fable. Monsters aren’t always obvious or simple. Whenever I hear a Halloween horror story of oranges injected with Clorox Bleach or Twizzlers contaminated with battery acid I instinctively cast a wary eye towards mom or dad. Don’t argue with me or throw a trembling hand to your forehead and feign indignant outrage. You’ve thought the same thing. Even if parents aren’t the one’s poisoning their own spawn’s high fructose corn syrup loaded treats, the very act of sending your kids out on a dark cold night to knock on the door of strangers, sending them off on a game of chocolate covered, cream filled Russian roulette played out with each knock on each door seems to be steeped in malice and resentment. I think parents are jealous. One more holiday held firmly in the tiny grasp of an unappreciative child. Politicians tells us, “It’s about the children.” Has been TV stars hawk Third World charity scams with a teary eyed, “Won’t you help a child today?” Enough with the kids already. I’m tired of it, and I have a sneaking suspicion that you are, too.

Everyone wants it all: homes they can’t afford, expensive cars, plasma TV’s the size of movie screens, designer dogs…and children, but once you have it all you feel trapped by everything. You can sell your house, trade-in your car, even re-home your dog, but your stuck with little Bobby and Suzie until they grow up, move out and eventually confine you to a hellish nursing home for your last few unbearable years. People’s lives are like paintings, bad paintings like the ones sold on summer weekends on gas station lots under banners that read, “Original Oil Paintings from Only $10!” Layer after tortured layer of paint builds up so heavily that the elegance and subtlety of the brush strokes disappears completely, and the meaning of the composition is lost under gobs of caked up muddy pigment. You can’t stop slathering more on top of more, but what you really want to do is strip it all away until all that’s left is a solitary elegant line on the canvas…until all that’s left is you. You want yourself back, you want to have some fun, you want to reclaim your own freedom not stand on the sidelines watching your kid feebly kick a soccer ball or sit in a darkened school auditorium to hear the fruit of your loins sing a Katey Perry song and wiggle like an underage dime-whore.

There’s been a dramatic drop in tainted Halloween candy stories over the past number of years. Many areas limit trick-or-treating to only a few safe daylight hours, and most children are now accompanied by their parents, and thus, the custom has been greatly marginalized. Tick-or-treat is no longer the main focus of what has taken its rightful place as an adult holiday. It’s not “all about the children” anymore. Halloween’s transformation hasn’t been caused by a natural shift in society’s primal urges, but rather by an astute business observation. Quite simply, more money can be made by selling extravagant grown-up get-ups and overpriced cocktails than candy and kiddie costumes, but for whatever the reason…Halloween, it’s great to have you back!  I’m no fan of modern holidays. They’re all about hearth and home, giving thanks for this or that, hosannahs to an imaginary  heavenly host or honoring our heroes all coated in a kid-friendly confection with molasses on top. But I always rather enjoyed the festivals of long lost antiquity. No matter what pagan religious hokum they were attached to, those old shin-digs were all about messy, drunken unbridled sex. From the dawn of civilization to these modern times people have wanted to get laid unencumbered  by strings, excuses or “will I see you again?” Only the rules of contrived decency keep everyone modestly in line, but a person’s inhibitions and guilt easily disappear  behind a false face, and so on Halloween you can screw your best friend’s wife or blow your buddy, and once the mask has been removed, the face paint washed away, everyone can pretend the dirty deeds never happened. Afterwards, life resumes with any responsibility for the illicit rutting packed away with the slutty cat outfit and gladiator costume. Halloween, it’s the one night when the forbidden is within reach, you can talk to a “stranger” and gladly accept their candy. For centuries I wondered whether the world’s great celebrations would ever be freed from the neutered, dreary grip of Jesus, Mohammed and Yahweh…Halloween just might be a start.

Got a problem? Maybe I’ll help: Ask Alexios at caballoblue@yahoo.com

©2012 M. Smith

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Posted in advice, Current Events, gay, horror, Politics, relationships, religion, social issues, Uncategorized, Vampires | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’d Like To Thank All The Crazy People

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“We all go a little mad sometimes,”
Norman Bates

 

This old world is a crazy place, and it has been ever since the first brute stood erect on two legs and bashed his buddy’s brains out with a rock, but it’s the crazy people who make things happen for better or for worse, who reach for that impossible high note or gaze up at the stars and see something more than diamonds sparkling on black velvet…or who set the world on fire. I know the popular notion of crazy is based on the number of bodies a person has buried in their crawlspace or the tally of victims they rack up in the name of God or State, but crazy takes on countless shapes and guises from the harmlessly eccentric to the criminally insane. Those lovely paintings wouldn’t hang on museum walls if van Gogh hadn’t been mentally disturbed, and if Francis Ford Coppola hadn’t lost his mind in the hot humid jungles of the Philippines there would be no Apocalypse, Now.  Capote’s madness produced a tortured masterpiece while Hitler and his goons exhaled a lunacy that infected a whole goddman country.  Life incessantly chasing after you like a drooling, slobbering, snapping rabid dog is enough to drive anyone crazy, and some people can take that shit and mold it into a thing of beauty, but others, possessing a very different type of talent, bend and stretch it into something unspeakable. To be honest, I’m surprised I’ve kept my own mental composure so remarkably even-keeled over these thousands and thousands of years, but I’ve always understood insanity, and I’ve always appreciated the usefulness of it in others. When I look back on my accomplishments… the wars I’ve instigated, the turmoil I’ve stirred up, the revolutions I’ve set in motion…I’ll be the first to admit that I owe much of my success to crazy people. If my fearsome achievements are ever acknowledged, celebrated and commemorated with a gilded award at a fancy televised red-carpet ceremony, I would grasp my golden statuette in my cold dead hands, and with tears welling up in my black eyes, I’d say, “I want to thank all the crazy people. There are too many crazy people, I can’t remember their names.”

I could barely tolerate looking at the old man’s face even in the dim flickering candle light. His skin, a ghastly palate of sickly grays and terminal yellows, sunk in around his cheek bones and eye sockets like decayed leather. A large ulcer had opened up on his deeply lined forehead, and another ran with a viscus fluid from the crease beside his nose. He picked at a scab just below his bottom lip with a ragged, discolored fingernail, “I don’t want to die this way, to go out like this…history will torment me for eternity…” he said, and for a moment I thought he was about to weep, but he held his emotions in check and stared into the darkness with stoney silence. “Oh, your legacy,” I said to the dying old Emperor Tiberius. “They’ll be brutal that’s for certain, the historians and poets and playwrights. You should have worried about that a long time ago, and I’m sorry to say there’s not much you can do to change anything now,” I informed him with no trace of compassion. He rubbed his wrinkled, bony  hands over a face that had been ravaged by years of paranoia, cruel vengefulness and perverse lusts. “If it bothers you that much,”  I said with an inspired thought suddenly flashing like fireworks in my mind, “Then make sure the next person to plant his keister on the throne is far worse than you.” Tiberius turned slowly toward me. “Your nephew would be perfect,” I whispered, “Imagine the possibilities.”  The very notion seemed to terrify even an old scoundrel like Tiberius. “He’s mad…” the Emperor said in a startled, cracking voice. “Mad?” He’s a fucking lunatic!” I laughed from the inky shadows, “You’d look like Augustus by comparison!” The next day, Tiberius amended his will and named the monstrous Caligula as heir to the imperial diadem of Rome.

“We all go a little mad sometimes,” but very few us go malignantly mad like Caligula or become gripped by mad genius like Mozart. For most people, madness is a lonely affair played out in private, hidden far away from the recognition that bestows universal horror or spellbound admiration. History doesn’t  record it in a messy mix of damning facts and frighting fables. It doesn’t grace the most splendid art galleries or become the soundtrack to anyone’s life. Most people’s madness is confined to their modest homes and the dismal corridors of their tortured minds, but when their dreary little madness peeks its head out, the reception it receives is more often than not cruel. A crazy girl recently joined the gym I belong to. I don’t know anything about her, she just appeared one day like a damaged package left on a doorstep by the postman, but I’m sure there must  a reason for her oddness. Most likely her mother is to blame, or maybe her fiancée left her for a man. She’s thin and wiry and looks like she eats too little and exercises too much, and she walks with tiny jittery steps while her head swivels loosely around in every direction like it’s attached to her neck with a ball and joint mechanism as she searches for something floating in the air between imagination and reality that commands her constantly grinning attention. The other evening I was standing at a rack of dumb bells next to a guy built like a super hero. He always wears t shirts with the sleeves and sides cut away leaving little more than a flap of fabric hanging down his front and another down his back. All of his physique revealing shredded shirts are printed with some variation of the USMC logo or a Marine corps. inspired slogan although he’s never served in the military himself and has, in fact, worked in the paint department of Home Depot for the last seven years.  The crazy girl stumbled past me and the super hero paint salesman, she stopped, frowned slightly and suddenly directed a loud sharp laugh at us before capering off to an adjoining room. “Fucking crazy chick,” the muscular man said to me as he dropped a weight onto the rack. I nodded and agreed that she appeared to be quite mad. “Fucking insane,” he added as a clinical assessment to punctuate his observation.  On my way out I saw the crazy girl bent over a workout bench supporting herself on one hand and one knee. She reached around with her free hand rolled into a fist, knocked sharply on her raised behind, and shouted, “There it is! Go! Go! Go!” I wasn’t sure what was where, so I turned and headed in the opposite direction just to be on the safe side.

“It’s almost over,” an elderly woman sitting at the table next to mine at Starbucs said pointing to an article about the election on the front page of the newspaper I was reading. “Yes,” I said, “I’m sure it will be a close one.” “I’m voting for Obama again,” the woman offered, “He’s colored and all, but he’s like Nat King Cole not like some of these other ones you see on tv or at the mall.” “Is that why you’re voting for him, because he reminds you of Nat King Cole?” I asked unable to hide my astonished surprise. “Oh no,” the woman said, “That Mitt Romney….ugh,” she crinkled up her face, “He reminds me of my son-in-law.” Maybe Norman Bates was wrong. Maybe everyone doesn’t go a little bit mad sometime, maybe everyone IS a little bit mad, and occasionally it breaks out like a fiery rash squirming and crawling across your screaming skin before fading away until the next livid outbreak. There’s no doubt that a madness has fallen over America as the presidential election careens to its conclusion like the final few episodes of a reality show. Barack Obama and Mitt Romney have both gone a little bit loony in these last days of the bitterly fought and funded contest. The President, carries forth in a cool, collected fashion, but there’s a panic in his eyes as the very real possibility of becoming a one term wonder presses down on him with its full weight. He delivers his patented brand of soaring speeches with conviction, but he seems to be searching the crowds trying to count each and every vote. His desperate challenger, wild-eyed and sweaty-faced, moves his checkers around a nearly unwinnable electoral map as he stalks the debate stages pushing around the moderator and the President alike with anecdotes about “binders filled with women” and a cumbersome series of lies. Like a boil that’s been lanced, the madness will loosen its grip on both men and the nation the moment the tv networks call the election shortly after the West Coast polls close on the evening of November 6th. One man will vibrate with the electric flush of victory, and every setback, every misstep, every foreboding poll will be avenged, erased. The other man will look exhausted but oddly relieved, his mind will clear and he’ll take comfort in a return to his normal life without giving a second thought to the hundreds of millions of dollars his defeat cost. Madness is evanescent…for the lucky, but the crazy girl at my gym hasn’t been blessed with luck, her madness is her identity, it’s who she is now, it has no shelf-life or expiration date. Tomorrow won’t free her from the madness. Tomorrow won’t find her sitting in the oval office or writing her memoirs and embarking on a highly paid speaking tour. Tomorrow will find her, once again, staring blankly out at something only she can see and laughing to herself over something that probably wasn’t very funny to begin with.

“We all go a little mad sometime”…and some of us stay mad. It was the fits of madness lascerating Tiberius when he pondered the terrible life he had lived that allowed me to unleashed the permanently, profoundly mad Caligula onto the world. Temporarily insane or steadfastly crazy, it doesn’t matter. It only takes a moment of madness to do some real damage, and it’s in those dark moments that the story of man is written. So let me thank all of the crazy people, there are too many of you to mention by name. You’ve made me the vampire I am today. I couldn’t have done it without you.

Got a problem? Maybe I’ll help: Ask Alexios at caballoblue@yahoo.com

©2012 M. Smith

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Posted in Current Events, horror, Movies, Politics, relationships, social issues, Television, Uncategorized, Vampires | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment